Self-Adoration
by reader-chic-2
Summary: Eating disorders aren't anything to joke about. Then again, Jace Wayland wasn't anything to joke about either. I seemed to attract the bad serious things. ONESHOT. Clace fluff. Self love. Cute?
1. Chapter 1

**Self-Adoration**

 **Warning: This story touches on the topic of teenage eating disorders.**

 **A/N: Just some Clace fluff and self-love all mixed together bc couldn't we all use some of both?**

* * *

Sometimes, even the mention of his name made my heart speed up. That was a walk in the park compared to being around him. It was a serious problem considering the amount of interest the golden angel had taken in me.

"Guess what happened to Jace at our last concert?" Jonathan cackled with Isabelle, his girlfriend. She was gorgeous yet unrelated by blood with Jace. It was ironic that they both were gorgeous and lived under the same roof. It was how Jonathan met Isabelle.

My interest piqued, I leaned my head further into the band room where he was currently trying his hardest to impress the girl. "Jace is such a boring topic, Jon."

No. No, he was not. I wanted to kick her! Anything concerning Jace seemed like it would make a major difference.

"A girl jumped him, Iz!" Jonathan insisted. "She hopped up on stage and tore off her shirt, which was pretty awkward considering this was in a coffee shop with about forty people at best."

My tongue felt like I had just eaten sand.

"Classic Jace," Izzy sighed. "Can we get back to your guitar now?"

Yes. I didn't want to hear more. My tiny, hopeful heart couldn't take the rest of the run down about how Jace wooed yet another girl into his bed. I turned away, back to the kitchen table and trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

Then, Jon said, "No, babe, that's what's so shocking. He shoved her and her huge boobs off of him. Jace looked disgusted, but she was smoking hot!"

"You're not improving your chances at getting laid tonight," Isabelle huffed.

Cue gag moment.

"You know you're hotter," Jonathan laughed. "I just don't get him anymore, that's all. A month ago, he never would have turned down a girl like that."

I choked on my apple, a familiar habit for me. One month ago, I came home from the hospital. One month ago, I met Jace for the first time since hearing about him in all of Jonathan's letters about their newly formed band.

Jonathan clearly heard my apple's disagreement with me because he came bounding in the kitchen quickly, not at all casual or secretive about it. "Clary – oh."

I smiled weakly at him and set my apple down. "I'm fine, Jon. I just…got distracted."

His look of concern didn't dissipate, though it had dropped considerably from when he first came into the kitchen. "What have you eaten today?" He asked, looking over my body as if it could tell him the answer. It used to be able to, but not anymore.

I crossed my arms over my chest and raised an eyebrow. "You promised you'd stop hounding me when I reached one hundred five pounds. Well, I'm one hundred ten pounds as of yesterday."

Isabelle, whom I hadn't seen enter, smiled widely. "You look so much healthier, Clary."

 _But not as beautiful as you._

I couldn't say that. Jonathan would get, as always, suspicious. Instead, I bowed my head with a soft smile. He scoffed. "You could use a bit more."

He didn't realize that he truly wasn't helping. I bit my lip and shrugged. Isabelle hit him on the shoulder. "With her petite body, I think she looks hot either way. All she needs is a real dinner. Want to join my family and I?"

My head shot up. Yes. Yes. Yes. Hell yes I wanted to. At the same time, I knew I couldn't. Being around Jace during lunch for the past week had sent my heart into overdrive. Considering my previous condition, it really didn't need the extra stain. Also, I would feel way to out of place. "No, really, I'm-,"

"Iz, we're trying to get her to stop barfing," Jonathan hissed. I let out a laugh. Sometimes, his bulimic jokes hit me hard. Other times, they helped me relax in the environment enough that it was funny.

Isabelle glowered. "She already has, asshole. And my mother is cooking!"

Jonathan's eyes perked. "Then we'd love to."

"Jon!" I whimpered. He slung an arm around me and rolled his eyes.

"You're going!"

. . .

 _I was in_ his _house - Jace Wayland's house._

It was very big. My eyes had trouble peering to the top of the old church. I remembered when Jonathan had first visited. He wrote to me about how he felt like some peasant asking for the hand of the princess. I hadn't really understood his comparison, but now I did. This place had an old Victorian style going on. It definitely could have belonged in the Renaissance era with some minor tweaks.

"This house is beautiful," I gushed to Maryse the moment she welcomed me into their home.

"Thank you…Clary, is it?" Maryse asked. I nodded and continued craning my neck to look at the ceiling of the large library we passed through. She wasn't even giving us a tour. We were on our way to the dining room. "I hope you're hungry. Max and Alec aren't home to help diminish all of the food, and I have to run… Isabelle! Don't let Clary get lost!"

As soon we she opened the door for us to the dining room, she was turning back around the same way we came. I looked at the table and got nervous suddenly. There was a lot of food on the table. I thanked my lucky stars she wasn't here to push more food down my throat. I got enough of that from Jonathan.

"Jace, get in here! We have a guest!" Isabelle shouted while holding open a door leading down the hall. I blushed and looked at my hands nervously. In my head, I counted off a steady rhythm for my heart to try to pump around.

Jace groaned as he walked in the dinning room, not noticing me at first. "Can't you entertain him on your own? I have to get an outfit for – oh. Hey, Red." Jace's face went from annoyed to smiling the moment his eyes landed on me.

Normally, I would make up some excuse as to why that happened that didn't sound like he was into me, but it happened so often it hurt to lie that much. It _really_ felt like he was into me.

"Forget me, why don't you?" Jon snorted. He was already piling food on his plate. Jace came and set in the chair beside me. His scent washed over me and I had the urge to roll my eyes in the back of my head and savor the moment forever. He smelled masculine with a hint of sunshine – Jace. "Since when did he call you Red?"

Jonathan sounded jealous. I blushed and stood, gathering small amounts of chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, a roll, and broccoli on my plate. "We have lunch together."

On the rare occasions that they practiced at our house, Jace met me the very next day after I came home from the hospital. Jonathan had been in mid rant with my mother about how he needed to get his lunch switched to mine. Jace volunteered without hesitation. I think that was the only meal I was never told to eat more. It was relieving.

"Oh. Right," Jon scratched the back of his head. Isabelle leaned over and whispered something in my brother's ear. Just from the devilish smile he grew, I knew it was dirty. I grimaced and turned to Jace.

"They are disgusting," I whispered. He snorted.

"You never have had a relationship before, huh?" Jace's golden eyes lifted with amusement. "Alec and Magnus are worse. Just wait until they get here."

I shook my head and stole a line from my brother. "We're trying to keep the food down, remember?"

Jace scoffed and looked to Jonathan for a brief second before turning back to me again. "You might think that one is funny now, but that's the only one I've allowed him to use. Jon uses it every chance he's got."

"Allowed?"

Jace nodded. "He can be a real dick about serious things, sometimes. He doesn't mean it, though. He's just nervous."

"You know my brother more than I thought you did," I smiled widely. Jace cracked a grin and shrugged while a green bean hung out of his mouth. I giggled, remembering that I probably should eat as well.

Over the past couple of months, my taste had almost completely returned. For instance, I knew this food was good because it _didn't_ taste similar to cardboard, as did most things. After everyone was full, we sat around the table and talked for a while. "Clary, are you cool if I steal Jonathan away for a while?" Isabelle asked.

"I'll gladly keep her company," Jace said. My heart rate spiked at the low growl in those words. Jonathan looked suspiciously from me to Jace, but Iz had already begun to tug him towards their room.

His steady gaze really wasn't helping with the heat I was beginning to feel. I knew this as a warning sign. The smell of the food had already turned from appetizing to appalling. How could I suggest we move elsewhere?

"Is everything okay, Red? You look trapped," Jace frowned. "It's actually an adorable look on you."

I glowered at his words. "I'm not adorable." Jace made an obvious gesture of looking me up and down.

"No. You aren't." He agreed vehemently. A wave of heat washed over me, but this was a good heat for once. My cheeks were on fire.

"You, uh, don't have to babysit me more," I said, still looking at my hands. "I can occupy myself."

Jace kicked my foot with his. "It's not babysitting. I'm glad they gave me a good excuse to hang out with you," he promised. I looked up at him with doubt. His eyes spoke such honesty. For once, I believed it. He did want to be around me. I didn't know why, but he wanted to be around me.

"Then can we go somewhere else?" I halfway begged. The sight of my half eaten plate of food was enough to turn my stomach. I couldn't look at it longer than a second without feeling minor waves of shame. "The sight and smell of food is making me want to…"

Jace nodded. "I have an idea. Have you ever gone to the mall here?"

. . .

The mall, I quickly found out, was practically deserted during the weekdays. Even the most popular stores only have five or so people in them.

"You know, I have gone to a mall before," I said. "What's so special about this one?"

Jace shrugged. "Me." I let out a loud laugh. He did, as well, and I couldn't help but to try to press his laughter into my memory. He had a deep, throaty laugh - one that made me sigh in relief every time I heard it because it meant that he was genuinely having a good time.

He continued. "Look, Clary, I know bulimia isn't really about your body. It's about your worth, and shit." He had a way with words. "But I do know that a large part of that, especially for teenage girls, is about your body. I just want to show you how to see what everyone else sees when we look at you."

I stopped walking. Jace did as well. I looked up at him with crossed arms. Talking about my eating disorder wasn't a common thing aside from a few stray comments here and there, but that was still only with a select few people. It was one thing to explain it to somebody, but it was another when he understood what I meant. "How do you know this, Jace?" His words were very true. They were so familiar. My therapists as my hospital told me things along those exact lines. We worked tirelessly about those subjects. Apparently, I felt like I was a nuisance to people, a pest to their daily activities. I felt like I wasn't somebody worth spending time with. The body-image problem was something I had always had, which wasn't hard to consider when I grew up with my gorgeous mother. Bulimia was like adding fire to the flames.

It was different now. Jonathan had explained in detail in his letters how much he regretted pushing me away. Before my disorder became noticeable, and long before then, he was the only person at home most of the time because my single mother worked constantly. As he grew up into the life of girls and music, he had no time for me like he did when we were little. I relied solely on my only friend, Simon, for a long time. My breaking point was when Simon professed his undying love for me and deserted me for three months after I explained I loved him like a brother. After that, everything crashed for a _long_ time.

When I passed out, my mother took me to the hospital where they diagnosed me with an extremely dangerous case of nervosa bulimia that had been going on for at least six months.

Jace said, "My real mother made contact with me a couple of years ago." I frowned. Nobody ever mentioned this. "She had anorexia nervosa. I helped with it for about two months, visiting her hospital a couple times a week, but…"

My eyes grew wide. She didn't make it through. "I'm so sorry, Jace," I grabbed his hand out of instinct and squeezed it. Jace gave me a grim smile.

"It's okay," he promised. "I just know some things she said helped. So you're coming with me." I didn't find anything wrong with his statement until we reached Victoria Secret. Instantly, I stopped walking. Jace spun around. "Don't you trust me, Clary?" He picked up my hand again. My breathing turned shallow. The thing was that I did trust him. This store just never had good memories come to my mind. "Please."

It was that damn word. Without letting go of his hand, I stumbled along behind him. The only girl that bothered us was the one at the cash register. Aside from her, nobody else was around. At least I had that – privacy. "What am I trying on?" I squeaked. Jace sent me a mischievous grin and winked. Aside from energy shooting straight into the pit of stomach, I played it off very well.

"I need you to pick out something fun to try on. I'll do the same." Jace said, already walking towards the lingerie section. I followed suit with an impish smile on my lips.

"I can't wait to see you in this," I teased his words and tossed him pink lingerie with a light, white sheer robe attached to it as well.

Jace sent me a dirty look. "Just for that one, Red, you're trying this on." I paled.

When I got into the fitting room, it was just Jace and I. "So you want me to try on lingerie?" I scoffed, looking at him expectantly. "Aren't you trying to make me not cry?"

Jace rolled his eyes. "We're going to have a fashion show, sweetheart." Jace winked. My stomach dropped.

"There's no way in hell I'm stripping for you," I growled, shoving past him. Everyone said he was a player, but I didn't expect him to use me so smoothly. My throat burned, but his hand yanked on my wrist, stopping me cold.

"No, Clary, it's nothing like that," Jace was blushing. He was blushing. I had never seen such a grand feat. "Please trust me. You need this."

I hated to admit that I did need it. I'd love to look at my body and believe the words everyone said. I was desperate; I'd try anything. It was so draining to look in the mirror and feel the need to grab a knife and personally saw off any loose skin.

"What exactly do you plan on doing?" I huffed. Jace grinned.

"You have my word that none of this goes anywhere, but..." he produced a phone from his pocket. I narrowed my eyes. He was joking.

"Fuck no."

"Please."

"Jace."

"Clary!"

"No!"

"Here," he groaned and took my phone. Swift as a snake, he turned around and pulled out the waistband of his underwear hiding under his jeans. I gasped as the flash went off and he proudly turned back around, a dubious smile on his lips. "If anything gets out, now you insurance on me."

"Fine." I growled. I'd normally never do this, but the idea of Jace seeing me in something designed just to make me sexier was too tempted. I'd probably never get the chance again.

When I got inside a room, I grabbed the pink lingerie with a flowing robe and tugged it on, looking in the mirror. I sighed in dismay. There wasn't much to look at. My boobs were the size of a preteen's boobs that were just beginning to develop. My sides were as straight as a stick. I seriously looked like a boy. I turned to the side and felt the urge to vomit again. My thighs were huge. For somebody my height, I shouldn't have had such large thighs. Within a week, I watched them both inflate more and more. My hair was flaming red, and I would have dyed it by now if it didn't require such extremities to keep it up. The curls were as wild as a lion's main.

I was Strawberry Shortcake.

"Holy fuck," Jace sucked in a breath from behind me. I shrieked and jumped, turning around in surprise.

I didn't know what I was supposed to say. "What now, Jace, because I feel pretty shitty right now?" I couldn't keep my gaze fixed on Jace's.

I glared at the floor. He cleared his throat, and I looked up. Jace clicked a button and grabbed my hand, pulling me into the empty dressing room that resembled somebody's private dressing lounge. It was dark lit and quite sexual, with a nice little circular couch in the middle before a mirror. Music filled the air.

"This is my favorite song!" I gasped and felt the urge to jump to the slow, growing beat.

"Go ahead. Dance for me, Red," Jace grinned. There was a glint in his eyes. I blamed that. That very glint gave me the bit of confidence that I needed. He kicked back on the longue chair.

So I jumped up and danced my heart out.

'Throw Sum Mo,' by Rae Sremmurd was playing.

I slowly walked up against the mirror, hand hanging off one side as I bent down keeping my leg locked. When the rap came, I only barely struggled to keep up with the beat. My favorite part, however, was the chorus. I slowed it down and stood up. When I turned around, Jace was leaned over with his elbows resting on his knees.

The music was loud. I was in the zone. Just as the chorus came, I connected eyes with Jace. He challenged me. I didn't let him down. Throwing my hands up in the air, I dropped down and bounced twice. Turning back around, I grinned.

Jace changed the song.

"Formation" by Beyoncé played.

My eyes glazed over. Jace stood up, but I hardly noticed. Now I was enjoying this. Since this was slower, I swirled my robe with me. Jace was videotaping me, but it was like nobody was there.

I slayed.

My movements were hypnotic. _I_ couldn't look away. For the first time ever, _I_ was attracted to my body. Every little line on me seemed intriguing. My innocent, nonexistent curves made it all the more mouth watering. I popped out my hips, eyes locked on my large, firm butt. Everything about me was alluring.

A huge smile graced my face as I used that same move, dropping to my ankles and back up quickly. I checked myself out. Even my tiny breasts seemed like they were hiding a secret, something that would interest just about anyone. My eyes, despite being crinkled by my impressed smile, were swirling with mystery, and my hair only increased the effect.

I was panting by the time the song ended. When I turned around, Jace was right there. He was grinning like crazy, as well. I looked at him with wide eyes. "That was…"

"Sexy as fuck?" Jace wolf whistled. "Yeah, I'd say so, Red." There was something about the look in his eyes, like he was saying even more than he already had. "Here's something I've never said to a girl – get dressed and I'll drive you home." I hesitated. "Unless you'd like to ride home naked. I won't protest about that one."

My cheeks were on fire! Nobody had ever said such a thing to me before. I was even more surprised to find that I liked it. I quickly changed back into my clothes and hung up the lingerie. Jace insisted on buying it for me. Despite my assurance that I wouldn't ever get to use it, he bought it for me. We were walking back to his car eating dip 'n' dots before he said something.

"Now every time you feel shitting about your body, watch this video," Jace said, holding out the phone for me to send it to myself.

I smiled brightly up at him. After quickly typing in my phone number and pressing the send button, I giggled, "You didn't do this just to get my number, did you?"

Jace smirked impishly. "That's just a bonus, Red," he said.

"Seriously, Jace, thank you. I've never felt so...content." I blamed my good mood for the reason as to why I stumbled forward and wrapped my arms around him.

He didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around my waist. He was so strong as he gripped me. It was more than a thank you hug, I realized. When I was pulled directly against this chest, I felt something hard press into my stomach.

I gave him a boner. I gave him a boner. I gave Jace Wayland a fucking boner! I have never given any guy a boner before, to my knowledge.

A smile rose on my lips again. He liked my body. At the very least, my body was good enough to get a guy moving. At the most, maybe I truly was beautiful. I felt beautiful - I felt powerful in that moment. The music, the outfit, and my dance moves made me feel confidant.

"Oh! I'm sor-,"

Jace's lips suddenly crashed on mine. I gasped, falling back in surprise. All the blood rushed to my head as I felt his soft lips move against mine. His hands caught me before I fell too far, weaving tightly around my waist and pressing my stomach against his as he craned over my body.

I was in shock.

Kissing. We were kissing. He kissed me. He kissed my lips. Mine.

Still having the feeling like I was going to fall, I grabbed on to Jace's arms for dear life as I moved my lips against his. His tongue slid very slowly along my bottom lip bed for his teeth replaced it, nuzzling softly.

I gasped, fully opening my mouth against his, my voice lost into the kiss. Jace pulled away slowly, resting his forehead against mine. "Never apologize for turning me on," he chuckled softly, and I joined in. "I enjoy it way too much."

"Jon's going to flip," I muttered, lifting my eyes to Jace's. "But pushing his buttons is kind of my job."

Jace laughed, stepping back and righting myself, giving my lungs enough room to breathe. My head was spinning still. His hand clasped mine. "He likes it, you know."

"He does?" I asked. He nodded. Hm.

"There's an endless amount of little things you do that drive us all crazy for you, Clary. Especially me. You just haven't noticed them yet," Jace assured me. I had trouble believing him. I always did. But as he rubbed circles on the back of my palm, I thought maybe he was right.

Maybe I got under their skin so much that they became addicted to me. And maybe that's all love was - annoyance to the point where they can't live without it.

* * *

 **If anyone out there is struggling or had an eating disorder, I hope you know that it's not your body or looks that define you. Also, don't give a fuck about what other people think of you. Who cares? You're the only one who matters. Do you like who you are and what you do? If not, go help an old person walk across the street, feed the homeless, or some other nice shit like that because it makes you feel a lot better than you could ever imagine. You're a _good person._ Nobody said you had to be pretty. Looks are just one minor, unimportant aspect of you. Who you are, what you do, why you do it, and so many more things are what really matter. Tell you what, I'd rather spend my life around somebody with some jiggly blubber than with an asswipe who thinks if you aren't pretty you aren't shit. Love yourself. Love your body. Your body has gone through some tough shit. Don't put it through more. In the end, all that matters is that you find people who care about you, not your body. **

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A/N: To any of my followers out there (ha like 1 maybe?) sorry for being so inactive! I'm actually writing my own books at the moment and posting them on Wattpadd. I wish FacFiction had a section for my own work because I like this site better! Anyways...

This is just a quick little one-shot that came to mind. I'd love to know what you guys thought of this. Did anyone like it? No? Okay...


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

 **A/N: I knew I said it was a one shot, but I got the feels again. I love reading short stories with a meaning behind them instead of just fluff or cuteness or whatever. I think I mixed them really well in the first one. I don't know how well I mixed them in this one, but I tried. It's continued from the last one a few months later. Jace and Clary aren't together officially. It's really confusing. You'll see. I hope you guys like this. But this is def the last one because I don't write well when the couples are already dating. Also, I need to focus on my actual long story!**

 **There's no Beta so I'm sorry!**

 **Dislcaimer: I don't own anything. Cassandra Clare owns it all minus the plot.**

 **Warning: Small talks of Bulimia and self-hatred, but also self-love!**

* * *

"If we rent a limo, we could take more people."

"But limo's are sooo expensive."

"Jon."

"Seriously, it's like, a hundred just for an hour!"

"Jon."

"What?"

"Do it for your sister."

I sputtered and nearly fell off my stool. The paintbrush dropped out of my hands. With wild eyes, I turned around. "What are you talking about?"

Isabelle sat on the windowsill, directly blocking my view of the street I was painting. I hastily picked up my paintbrush and wiped off the floor. She crossed her hands and folded them on her lap with more elegance than I would ever imagine possible. "You'll feel much prettier if you roll up to prom in a limo, won't you, Clary?"

I blinked, taking in he words. My mouth dropped slightly. Her eyes burned into mine. Jonathan crossed his arms over his chest and glared down at me. I tried, I tried so hard, to push her ignorance out of my train of thought, and I did decently, though hiding the pure aggravation in my voice wasn't going to happen. "I'm not going."

I strained my neck to look around Iz, making it clear I wanted to continue painting. She huffed and didn't move. "Don't be daft, Clary. You're going."

I snorted, and so did Jon. "Yeah, with who?"

Iz glared at Jonathan. "My brother, of course."

I groaned and fell face first into the painting. It was a subject I never liked bringing up. "Doubtful," I muttered to myself. She caught that and was on her feet in an instant.

"Excuse me?"

I groaned and walked to the couch, trying my hardest to escape her third degree. "He hasn't asked and probably won't, okay?"

Jon jumped over the back of the couch and landed beside me, legs crashing on top of my lap. I glared at him. Isabelle continued. "Hold up. You said you guys 'had a moment.' Where did it go?"

"Doesn't mean we're together. It's Jace. It was probably all in my head," I rolled my eyes and forced a smile to my lips. "Besides, even he couldn't force me to go to prom."

"But I can!" Isabelle protested. I looked to Jonathan for help, and he caved.

"Seriously, Iz, let her decide." Then he bent down and whispered something in her ear. Her eyes jumped to me quickly before they turned down with pity. My hands clenched. I knew exactly what he was saying.

"She'll be around a thousand other girls and think they are all prettier than her." "If she doesn't get asked to dance, imagine the disappointment."

It had been ten months. We'd been in school for ten months. I'd been out of the hospital for ten months. I had gained 40 pounds since going into the hospital. I was a healthy 114 pounds for my short frame. And neither of them could let it go.

Ever since Jace took me to the mall, I kept up his positive talk. They went on a tour a week later, and he texted me everyday. It was silly stuff. It was serious stuff. Sometimes, he'd snapchat me just to 'finally see a beautiful girl again.' He sweet-talked me, and I knew he was just being a huge flirt. But it helped me nonetheless. I started to focus less on my problem areas. I knew I had more good aspects than bad. Sure my legs were big, but that made my ass big. Sure I had no curves, but I worked out every day and made sure I had abs. Sure my boobs were small, but they were cute. I had a fiery face, Jace said. He was right. Between my red hair and striking eyes, it was hard to overlook me. So why did I overlook myself?

But being reminded of the times when I weighed less than a sixth grader was hard. They never failed to bring it up, especially now that Isabelle was over at our house the majority of the time.

"You're going dress shopping with us at least," Iz yelled as she left the house that evening.

. . .

My feet were killing me. Isabelle, Jonathan, and I had already spent two hours walking the streets of the city looking in and out of every single dress shop. Isabelle made Jon carry her, which I felt more or less jealous of. He was my brother! "That one!" Jon said again as Iz came out in a black dress.

"That's because your boobs are hanging out. Try again," I groaned.

She nodded and tried on the next one. This time, it was Isabelle who corrected Jon as to why this wouldn't work. That was how the cycle went. Another hour later and I thought my feet would fall off. "Can we please get something to eat?" I begged. As if the words had never ever once left my mouth, Isabelle and Jonathan gasped. They grinned and flung their arms around me. Now was my breaking point.

I shoved them off and snarled, "I don't need this." I plucked off my shoes and started walking in the opposite direction. When Jonathan called my name and began to follow, I chucked my shoe at him. He stopped and stared, but I continued on.

They had some nerve to still comment on my eating habits. My own brother couldn't look past that. Was that all they saw when they looked at me? Did they still see the girl who was in the hospital? Did they still think they had to babysit me? A thought dawned on me. My mother wasn't home. Was that why they dragged me along with them today? Did they worry I'd starve myself in one day, or try to kill myself? Did they really think I couldn't look after myself anymore?

My phone rang loudly in my pocket, and I looked to see who it was. Jonathan. The next call was from Isabelle. I groaned and get the urge to throw my phone at a moving vehicle. Instead, I called the one person who didn't treat me like a kicked puppy.

"Jace?" I said when he answered. My voice was choked up seeing as I was on the verge of tears.

"Clary. What's wrong?" He sounded groggy, like he'd just woken up. It was five in the afternoon. "Are you okay?"

My heart pounded in my chest. "No. Can you- I just need...somebody." I had trouble speaking as I pressed my hand against my opposite ear. People rushed around me on the crowded streets of New York.

"Where are you?" He asked suddenly on high alert. I could hear things being thrown in the background.

"Taki's." I breathed. It was easier to do so when I heard the angelic voice on the other line. The sound of a motorcycle engine revving came through. He was rushing around for me. I really wanted to cry now.

Five minutes later, he found me sitting on the curb. He was black pants, shirt, and jacket. He ripped off his helmet and barely had time to tuck it away before he stormed up to me. I smiled weakly at him. His sunglasses pushed his blond hair back. He squatted in front of me, and my breathing grew shallower again. "What's wrong, Red?" I took a deep breath and leaned forward, closer to his touch that I craved endlessly. I shook my head. "I just woke up. How about we eat first?"

My nose scrunched in a frown, and I looked at him with accusing eyes. "Why? Because I'm so sick in my head that you have to monitor if I eat?" I spat the words out with such venom he leaned back.

"Do what you want, Clare, but I'm starving." He stood, offering me his hand. I felt a little guilt trickle through me. Jace wasn't like them.

"Sorry," I mumbled, and he didn't have to say anything to let me know he accepted the apology. He always did. We sat at booth, and he slid in beside me, squishing me into the wall. He was very close. I blushed and looked at him.

"This too close?" He asked though my response wouldn't have moved him an inch.

I laughed. "Yes," I swung my legs over his lap and pressed my back into the wall. He accepted his defeat gracefully. "We're you sleeping all day long?" I reached forward and smoothed his unruly hair, but it just popped back into place. Jace offered me a heart-stopping grin.

"You think so highly of me," he said. I snorted. "I was writing a new song until five this morning."

I smiled. "Can I hear it?"

He snorted and ruffled my hair. "In your dreams, sweetheart." I jutted out my lower lip in a pout. He grew a slight smile. "Come over some time. Maybe I'll play it for you." I smiled warmly. "If you'll tell me what's wrong." My smile dropped.

He did come all this way. My phone was still buzzing in my pocket. I dropped it on the table for him to see. "Isabelle and Jon made me come dress shopping with them. I thought...I don't know. I thought that she just wanted my opinion, you know?" I shrugged and looked at my feet splayed over his legs. "But it was just because Jonathan thought I still needed a babysitter. When I asked to get food, do you know what they did?" I looked up at him as my eyes began to water. Jace was staring directly into mine in a way that made my heart clench. "They cheered. It's like they don't see Clary anymore. They just see a bulimic girl."

Jace peered at me. He rested his hands above my knees. "You don't want to know what I see when I look at you." He said in a sultry voice that had chills running down my spine. I opened my mouth to ask, but the waitress came up.

"Hi, Jace," Kaelie sauntered up to the table. She looked over his shoulder at me and I waved. "Clary." Her eyes had a dark glint in them. "What can I get for you, Jace?"

My gut twisted. She was a vile creature. She deliberately ignored me. Jace narrowed his eyes at her. "I don't know yet. Why don't you ask Clary first?"

She smiled sweetly, acting nervous. "I didn't know she'd be eating."

Her blunt words cut through me. I bit my lip. "I'll have coffee and..." Suddenly, I couldn't imagine anything that seemed appealing. Consciously, though, I knew it was in my head. I hadn't had anything since eleven this morning. Kaelie's cold words were just getting to me. I listed off the first meal on the menu. Jace ordered next and she skipped off, shaking her hips as she went.

She was a beautiful girl. Isabelle was much prettier, but Kaelie was a different shape. She was thinner than Iz. Her hair was shorter. She had a fire behind her eyes. Even if it was dim one, it shone bright enough to attract all the guys around. I found myself growing envious of the gap between her thighs. The way her clothes hung off her body was something I never had no matter how heavy or thin I was.

"You okay, Red?"

"Huh?" I said.

"You got in a daze," Jace said. "If you're going to stare, stare at me."

I snorted and looked at him. Kaelie came over and gave us our drinks, leaning over the table more than needed. She strayed a bit, itching for conversation, but Jace was already talking to me. "Did you try on dresses or did Iz hog it all?"

I shook my head. "I'm not going," I said. His face fell in a way I never expected.

"Why not?"

I didn't have an exact response for Jace. There was the obvious no date problem, but I didn't want to seem like I was fishing for a date. I decided to go with what Jon had said. "I don't think it will be good for me, that's all."

Jace frowned. He grabbed my hand, and I felt my stomach flutter. His golden orbs pulled mine to his. "Even if I was there?"

I tugged anxiously at my hair. "What do you mean?" Jace's eyes sparked with amusement.

"I wanted-," he began, but Kaelie was rushing over with our food.

"Here you go!" She exclaimed loudly, practically slamming our plates in front of us. It took a moment for me to register her. She was smiling much too big to be considered normal. Her eyes fell on my feet. "Uh, we have a policy here. No feet on the furniture."

"Sorry," I said and swung my feet around to the ground. She looked much too pleased.

The entire time Jace and I ate, she hung around. If one of our drinks were even a fourth of the way down, she'd fill it up. I knew exactly what she was doing. I figured Jace was as well, but I didn't know for sure. I shouldn't have cared, either. We kissed once. He was probably feeling sorry for me that night anyways. Who wouldn't want to kiss a girl in lingerie?

When we told Jon, Jace didn't phrase it like we were dating. He had said, "Yo, Clary and I made out the other night."

And Jon had said, "Fuck that's gross. Give me some warning next time!" Jon had looked at me. "He didn't grope you or anything did he? Are we good here or do I need to...?"

I had said we were fine and left without another word. I had avoided Jace for two solid days, and when I came back around, we acted like nothing happened between us. That was what confused me the most. Did I need to move on? Did Jace already move on? Maybe that's why Kaelie was so curious. I didn't know. I didn't know, and I hated it. I'd take whatever answer if I could just know. Surely after months of no other physical contact that was a sign in and of itself, right?

"I'm finished here. Can you let me out to go to the bathroom?" I asked. Jace complied without hesitation. It was a nice relief whenever I was around somebody who trusted me to not vomit up my lunch whenever I had to use the bathroom. Jonathan asked normally half of the time. The other times, his face expressed the mistrust by itself.

In the bathroom, I took a few minutes just to clear my head. This uncertainty didn't help me at all. Jace should have known that. Though, I couldn't be sure he knew all the in's and out's bulimia. He did only visit his mother. He didn't live with her and see her late at night when she would stare at herself for hours waiting for the image in the mirror to get better when it only got worse.

I shook my head. This was the kind of thinking that made my stomach roll. I looked at myself in the mirror. "Stay strong." I muttered.

When I exited the bathroom, I had the feeling that something was up. I had been gone only a short amount of time, but my stomach was fluttering with unease. When I inched around the corner, I caught Kaelie's eye. She was leaned over the counter talking to Jace.

She turned back to him, obsessed with whatever they were speaking of. I walked towards them, unsure exactly what to do considering she was directly blocking the other seat. Jace looked at me, but I couldn't read his expression because Kaelie had moved in my way.

"So will you?" She asked. "It's not like you have anyone else going to prom with you. Trust me, I'll make it worth your time."

The sinking feeling in my stomach took off like a skyrocket. No. No, no, no. I thought I could handle any resolution to the Jace problem, but not this. This was beyond the worst thing imaginable. Why wouldn't he want her anyways? She put out. She was sexy. She had boobs, and curves, and was half his weight.

But I wanted him. I wanted Jace so badly. He was my best friend. He was my only friend who I could stand being around for more than hour at the moment. I loved the way he smiled at the dirty things. I loved the curls and the muscles and the impish grin he always had around me. I loved the way he made me feel, like I was special.

Clearly, I wasn't special. I was just...around that night long ago. I was convenient. I was there and I was vulnerable.

Without another thought, I turned around and ran. My feet pounded on the pavement. I found myself outside of my building. It was raining so there were fewer people around to watch me throw up in the bushes.

I hadn't thrown up in so, so long.

And it was because of Jace Wayland.

. . .

I spent the next day locked in my room. The lights were off and my window was blacked out. Jonathan constantly pounded on my door. I couldn't face him yet. I couldn't face anyone yet.

I wanted to be strong. I wanted to knock down Jace's door and yell until my lungs turned blue. It just wasn't me. My strength had left me. The one person who made this all better was a joke. He could have been using me. He could have just been toying with me. Or he could have been bored. I didn't like any of those reasons.

Maybe I deserved this. Maybe I wasn't more than that. Was this all the male attention I could get? Was I so repulsive that the only guys that came near me were the ones who were never interested?

With every smile, he made me feel like the only girl in the world who mattered. Every hug proved he was there for me no matter what. His diversions and adventures to show me my inner beauty helped me more than any nurse did. I couldn't wrap my mind around it being a joke. It took so much time and effort. What guy would go to that extent to crush an already broken girl?

For a week, I avoided everyone. At lunch, I simply didn't eat. I didn't want to have to sit beside Jace and Kaelie. Well, he wasn't even sitting with her, but I didn't want to be around him in general. He did his best to find me. I put my headphones in and pretended I didn't feel him tugging on my arm.

Jonathan was another story. He was on me every second I was at home. He knew I refused to talk to him about Jace, but he still asked. Most of the time I could change the conversation. Isabelle was harder to distract. I had to bring up prom every time. Wednesday, she and I went dress shopping. Iz was cutting it short considering prom was this weekend.

She made me try on dresses, too. I had walked out in a dress of every color by the end of the day. There was one or two that I liked, but it was a mute point. I wasn't going.

"One last dress! Please!" Isabelle begged. "I've got mine. We can go home after this."

I groaned. If did what she said, it would be faster than arguing. She smiled mischievously at me and shoved a gold dress into my hands. I eyed the flashy material, not even having to say with words how suspicious I already was of this dress. She rolled her eyes and sat patiently outside the room.

The dress had thin straps. The back was fully cut out and only closed in inches above my butt. It hung loosely off my body but still hinted at a delicate frame. My boobs felt like they were on the verge of slipping out. But when I opened the door and stepped in front of the mirror, my breath caught in my throat.

Isabelle walked behind me and I did my hair. The girl in the mirror was looked graceful. She looked a little too thin, but she was so beautiful. Her eyes stood out above the fold shimmering dress that reached down to her feet. Her red hair framed her face in a way that showed off her bone structure.

And that was me.

I was the girl in the mirror who looked gorgeous. Isabelle was standing beside me, but I caught attention before her for once. My eyes were watering. I never looked this good in anything. Iz raised her phone. "Look behind your shoulder."

I didn't know why, but I did as told. The flash of the camera startled me. "What are you doing with that?"

She smiled into her phone. "Sending it to Jace."

I couldn't breath. "No!" I lunged for the phone, but the sound of the message sending went off, and it was too late. "Isabelle! What the hell?"

She crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't know what happened between you two. He doesn't know either, by the way. It's not my business, I guess. But I do know he used to make you feel beautiful. You don't need him to do that."

Blush crept on to my face. "Thank," I said. She could hear I didn't really believe her, though. Her face turned down. "So are you."

"No. I'm hot. You are beautiful." She shook her head. "I'm sure Jace was the one to mess it up. Now he will get to whine over that picture all night long."

My hands moved forward in curiosity. "Can I see it?"

She showed me the picture. I did have to say I liked it. My eyes were speaking to the camera without my knowledge. My body looked alluring. I liked it. "Thank you, Iz." Sometimes, she wasn't so bad. Sometimes I loved her like a sister. I loved Jon like a brother. I supposed even siblings had their weaknesses.

"I don't care what you say. You're getting this and wearing it somewhere."

I decided not to argue. It couldn't hurt to have something in my closet that made me feel golden. With a smile, I bought the dress.

. . .

Mom was back in town for prom. "Clarissa! Get down here for pictures." Jonathan wasn't in the living room when I came. "We're going to the Lightwood's. Isabelle is still getting ready."

My shoulders dropped. "It's fine. I have a drawing to finish." I began to leave, but her primped nails clawed at my hand.

"I want a picture of you and Jonathan together," she said, pulling me to the car. I gritted my teeth and held back what I wanted to say.

If you were around more you'd have plenty.

We piled into the car, and Jonathan was texting Isabelle. He grinned at me with excitement. "It's going to be fun. Please come with us, Clary."

"Who's us?" I said as I shook my head.

"Isabelle, Jace, and I."

"And Kaelie," I muttered, looking at my nails that I got done with Isabelle Friday.

"Who?" He said as we pulled into the driveway. I shook my head. It didn't matter. He'd see her soon enough. Isabelle was walking outside. Her mom was already taking pictures. She looked like a model with the way she posed. Jonathan groaned in the front seat. "Man I love my girlfriend."

"Gross," I gagged and stumbled out of the car. He did the same. Isabelle smiled widely in excitement and walked to him with her hips swaying. I didn't know why I couldn't look away. She had everyone's attention. Iz threw her arms around Jon's shoulders, and he swung her around in a hug. I snorted.

"Clary! I'm glad you're here. Could you push Jace out the door for me?" Maryse said. My heart dropped. I was a bigger person. Also, she scared me slightly. Mom had already embraced and entranced Maryse in a conversation. Jon and Iz were half speaking half kissing. I did have nothing better to do.

I walked inside the large house. It took me a few minutes to navigate the maze of rooms. "Jace!" I called out eventually.

"In here," he said, not recognizing my voice. It hurt. I held my head high and pushed he door open tomorrow. His back was too me as he struggled with a tie in the mirror. Despite my anger with him, he looked pathetic and I had to giggle. Jace turned around faster than I'd imagine. "Clary."

He moved towards me, but I held a hand up. He stayed silent as I stepped directly in front of him, close enough to smell his scent. It made my head swim. I had to stop myself from pressing my nose into his chest. "Maryse wants you downstairs for pictures. Here, let me."

My fingers picked at the tie. I began folding and tucking the silk. His eyes watched me precariously the entire time. My cheeks heated, but I ignored it. "Clary, I-,"

"Please don't." I sighed. My eyes flicked up to his momentarily before going back to my task.

"You looked absolutely gorgeous," he breathed in defeat. A warm sensation drifted into my gut. My hands tightened against the silk. I didn't say a word. I didn't trust myself to. Every bone in my body wanted nothing more than throw my arms around his neck and kiss him senseless. If I dared to speak, I knew I'd regret it. "I'll leave you alone at lunch, if that's what you want. As long as you eat."

I smiled tightly and nodded. "Thank you." I stepped back and looked over my masterpiece. The entire specimen was a masterpiece. In a black tux, his gold best barely peaked out. My eyes strayed on the vest color. "It's gold."

He averted my gaze. The vest matched his eyes and hair. Just looking at him made my stomach fill with butterflies. He was beautiful. His jawline alone... I wanted him. And I hated that I wanted him, but I did.

"Pathetic, I know." He mumbled. I sucked in a sharp breath. My hands shook as I pulled them to my side.

"Maryse wants you." I repeated, running out the door at the next chance I got. Jace groaned and followed after me slowly. When I got outside, cameras were flashing. Jon and Isabelle looked like the perfect couple as they hung precariously off each other. Maryse directed people on where to stand. Jace was included in most shots. She looked at me.

"Clary, would you mind stepping in? Jace looks awkward all alone." Maryse smiled kindly at me. My stomach climbed into my throat.

"I don't like pictures," I protested. My wild eyes bounced from Jace, who was practically begging me, to my mom. "I think I'll just wait in the car."

"Clary," Mom protested, but I was already hiding in the car. They took more pictures, and it seemed endless. Jace drove Isabelle's silver Mercedes with them in the back. I didn't understand why Kaelie didn't show up to the house for pictures. She of all people would want to show Jace off with as many pictures as possible. Why would she meet them at the restaurant?

I shook my head as Mom got in the car. "You really should be going with them. What do you call it? Third wheeling? That's what poor Jace is doing."

I shook my head and turned up the music. "Until he meets up with Kaelie at the restaurant."

Mom looked at me. "Maryse made the reservation for three herself."

"What?"

"Jace doesn't have a date." Mom continued like the world hadn't just dropped into my stomach. "Maryse told him to ask somebody, but I guess he never did. He's going solo."

. . .

Jace watched with disgust as Jonathan and Isabelle talked in hushed whispers across the table from him. A body slid in beside him, and he breathed out deeply to find it was Alec. Since he was in college and not attending the prom, he was dressed casually for this restaurant, but nobody there said a word to him. "Thank god you're here. These two are like rabbits."

He snorted. "Where's the famous Clary you've spoken about? Weren't you going to ask her?"

Jace groaned and let his head fall to the table. Isabelle shot daggers at his slumped form. "He screwed it up."

"I. Did. Nothing." Jace growled.

"Why the hell didn't you ask her?" Alec asked.

"She never let him come near her." Jon supplied. "I don't think that's it, anyways."

"Do you know why she's pissed?" Jace's head shot up. His eyes surveyed Jonathan. He opened his mouth to reply but the waitress came and took their orders. "Well?"

Jon's eyes turned a little dark. "I'm not sure if I should tell you. It was pretty shitty of your sorry ass to even go after my sister, Wayland."

Jace's hand pounded on the table. He leaned over until he was inches from Jon's face. "Tell me, Morgenstern, now."

He held his hands up in surrender. "You remember that crazy girl from our school who's been after you for ages? Is her name Kaelie?"

His head pulsed. He prayed Jon wasn't about to tell him exactly what he had feared from the beginning. "Yes."

"She thought Kaelie was coming with us." Jon shrugged. Jace stared at him for a second while he processed what he said. Then he slammed his hand on the table.

"Dammit. She heard Kaelie ask me." Jace grabbed his wallet and shoved it into his pocket. He shoved Alec out of the booth.

"Hey!"

Jace was running out the door already, keys on hand. "My car!" Isabelle yelled. He didn't care.

He arrived at Clary's house in what felt like hours. He raced to the door, pounding insistently. Her mom answered. "What are you doing here, Jace?"

"I need to see Clary. Is she here?" Jace said, and her mom must have seen the urgency in eyes because she stepped aside and nodded towards the stairs. The door was locked or he would have run in. He pounded on the door. "Clary!"

"Jace?" She yelled.

His heart pounded at her voice. He had to get in there. He had no doubt she wouldn't let him in like before. He looked around and saw a window at the end of the hall. When he opened it, it exposed a fire escape that also connected to another window. It was blacked out. He knew exactly whose window that was. Before she could think to lock it, he pried it opened and climbed inside.

She was standing at her open door, staring at nothing. He frowned. Why had she opened it? Moreover, why was she dressed in that? All his thoughts threatened to go to his dick, but he fought for focus. He couldn't screw this up.

"Damn, Clary..." He groaned despite what he just deemed to be a respectable response.

She turned around and clutched her heart. Her eyes filled with the familiar hurt. It was all he'd been seeing for the last week. She took a deep breath and her expression changed. She bit her lip. "Hi, Jace."

Words spilled out of hit mouth. "Please, Red, come to prom with me. I need you there."

Clary walked to where he stood. She looked him through her lashes. "And Kaelie?"

Jon was right. "Kaelie never was in the picture. I told her to fuck off at Taki's. She's not the girl I want." He could see it in her eyes.

 _Say it. Say it!_ The green orbs screamed at him.

"I want _you_ , Red," he breathed. His eyes raked up and down her body again for the fourth time since he arrived. She looked so beautiful. He had to have her. He had to hold her and call her his.

She crossed her arms over her chest, and from he height in which he stood, he could see down her dress. Holy Lord. She didn't have a bra on. "I don't understand you, Jace. You - haven't touched me since the mall and now you say you want me? It doesn't make sense."

He felt the dread rising within him. "I have no right to your body. I wasn't going to overstep your privacy."

Clary rolled her eyes. "I'll tell you when I'm uncomfortable, Jace."

His eyes darkened with lust. Once again, his eyes raked up and down her body. "Then fuck," he moved forward. His hands grabbed her waist, reaching where her skin was exposed. He pulled her flush against his skin. She gasped silently, eyes searching his. Then he slammed his lips against hers.

He'd wanted to do this again ever since that night at the mall. Her lips tasted like strawberries, and he couldn't get enough of it. His tongue slid along her bottom lip, and her hands wove around his neck. He stumbled forward as she hitched her leg around his waist. Her skin felt soft and delicate under his hands.

He was obsessed.

A faint knock sounded on the door. "Clary? Did Jace make it to you?"

Jace groaned against her lips before pulling away. Clary's pale leg slid off his body. It was only then that he questioned her outfit. A devious smile encased his lips as he refused to let her go. "You knew."

She blushed and looked to the door. "My mom told me you were going alone. I just hoped. Pathetic, I know."

Jace beamed as she recited the words he'd said to her earlier that evening. He jerked his head toward he door. "Will you accompany me to prom so I can walk in beside _the_ hottest girl in school?"

Her smile made his heart soar. "Yes." She unlocked her door and her mother came in. Surprise was all over her face when she saw Jace. "Can you undo my hair?"

She held up a camera. "As long as you agree to some pictures!"

. . .

Jace drove us back to the restaurant at the same time as Isabelle, Alec, and Jonathan exited. Alec seemed relieved to see that he wouldn't have to drop the two off at prom. Isabelle looked pissed, but when I stepped out of the car it all changed.

"Clary!" Isabelle said. "You came!"

I blushed and nodded. Jace offered me his arm, and I took it gratefully. Jonathan eyed us, but I sent him a look and he backed off. "Jon's driving," Jace said.

We climbed in the backseat and waved goodbye to Alec. Since there was traffic to our ears and Jon was going around ten miles an hour, Jace deemed it safe to unbuckle. He scooted right up to my side. "I can see down your dress."

"Jace!" I giggled, smacking his head away and pulling my dress up and against me. He snickered and put his hand around my waist.

"So you two made up?" Isabelle asked, hope filling her voice.

"She can't get enough of me," Jace confirmed with his cockiness. I jabbed my elbow into his stomach despite that it was the truth.

"Keep your hands where I can see them tonight, Wayland," Jonathan growled when he parked the car. Jace winked at me.

"I make no promises," he whispered into my ear in such a deep voice I had to resist a moan. My hand clamped on his forearm that was snaked around my body. He opened my car door for me in a grand curtsy. I smiled warmly at him.

We entered the dance. The lights were dark. Strobe and black lights made people and dresses visible. Isabelle took my hand and pulled me out to the dance floor. She forced me to dance, which mainly consisted of us jumping up and down. "You two totally kissed!" I stopped dancing in shock. "I could see the lipstick on him, Clary."

I blushed and continued dancing. "Yeah, we did."

She cackled with delight and threw her head and hands back as she spun around. I eyed the people around me, but nobody seemed to be watching me. So I let loose and spun around with Iz. We followed each other's leads. When the music shifted, the dancing got very sexual. People started grinding up on guys and girls alike. Isabelle nearly made me fall when she rolled her hips into mine. I jumped back in bewilderment. It was okay because Jon quickly came stole Iz away into the crowd. I was about to turn around and find Jace, but hands gripped my hips. Hot breath encased my ear. I let out a sharp burst of air.

"Ever danced like this, Red?" Jace's voice sent chills down my body. He pressed his body into mine. I shook my head as my eyes fell shut. "Roll your ass into me."

"Seriously?" I scoffed. I opened my eyes and looked around. Girls were pressing their asses into guys' crotches. Some were twerking, like Iz. Jace's hands secured my hips.

"You'll like it. Trust me," he promised. His hands guided my body along to the beat. My back was pressed against his chest. I rocked my hips to the side and back, surprised for it to feel so good.

I watched what the other girls did. They moved their bodies, but it was mainly their hips that did the work. I rolled mine into Jace and was met with a barely audible groan. His hands inched inside my dress from my backside and over my hips. My breathing sped up as the song slowed down. I threw my hands behind me into Jace's golden locks. I ran my nails down his face as his hands inched down further over my hips.

My body moved in and out of a liquid dance that had Jace and I in a trance. His hands kept inched towards my center, finding the edges of my panties quickly. "Is that lace?" He huffed like he was living out a fantasy.

I nodded encouragingly. His hands continued down their path as I continued to shake my ass against his crotch. At some point, I could feel something different when I moved my butt along his body, something harder. "Are you...?"

Jace didn't have to answer. He moved in right next to my ear and pressed an insistent kiss against my neck. I threw my head back and moaned as his hand fully cupped my vagina. I didn't have time to feel uncomfortable because of how fucking awesome it felt.

He wanted me. He wanted my body. He wanted my mind. There were hundreds of scantily dressed girls all around us showing off their moved and bodies, but all Jace could focus on was me. I wasn't the hottest girl here, but he didn't care. For some reason, he finally decided that if a girl was bat-shit crazy or dumb their bodies suddenly seemed trashy. He liked being around me. It seemed clearer to me now. At Taki's, he hardly even glanced at Kaelie and her huge boobs. He was focused solely on me.

It just took some time for me to realize that I didn't need a guy drooling over my body. It was nice, and the feeling I had right now was intense. But that was just for right now. The fact that I knew Jace would be there for me when I was breaking down or flying on top of the world left me feeling much better for much longer. I felt safe and secure. I felt genuinely wanted for something that wasn't just given to me.

I made my personality and he wanted what I made.

His hand slipped under my underwear. I threw my head back and groaned into his ear. "Are you...going to seriously...do this here?" I could hardly breathe.

"Trust me, sweetheart, I could," he chuckled as he practically lifted me off my feet while gripping my thighs. "But I want it between just you and me."

I nodded as my eyes fluttered shut. I suddenly didn't care what I looked like to anyone. I moved my hips against him even more, and it took me a while to realize it was just so I could get more friction from where his hand was placed. Heat flooded through me. I had never been exactly 'wet' before, but I wondered if I was now. I wondered if Jace could feel it.

"You're a really good dance," Jace sounded like he was in pain.

"Are you okay?" I asked. He grunted in a nod.

"You're so hard to resist," he groaned. My heart fluttered in response.

We continued dancing, and I swore Jace only got harder and harder. By the time Kaelie came over to ruin things, I barely even noticed her. She could sense that, though, and shoved us apart. Jace kept me from falling. "Hey! Watch it," he growled.

His hand wrapped around my waist, pulling me into his side. I loved being in his warmth, but I was scared about what he would do to her if she tried something again. The feral look in his eyes scared me for Kaelie, and I didn't even like her.

"So you're going to turn _me_ down for that stick?" she snarled, eyes going up and down my body with disgust. I fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Trust me when I say she's no stick. I would know real boobs compared to fake ones," Jace shrugged as his eyes flickered down to Kaelie's cleavage. I gasped.

"You got a boob job?"

She snarled at me, not unlike an animal would. "These are real," she hissed. Jace chuckled, and I knew he was telling the truth. One summer, she came back to school with D's while she was previously barely a B. "Have fun with the damaged bulimic, Jace. Call me when you decide to stop pitying her."

She turned on her heels and stormed away. My hands were locked around Jace's waist. Was that what she thought he was doing? Or was it what he was doing? I wanted to trust Jace, but this wouldn't have been the first time somebody pitied me.

"Clary, don't listen to her," Jace pleaded, and the words just sounded like those from a movie.

I detached myself from him carefully. My gaze studied his golden eyes. He didn't _look_ like he pitied me. None of his previous actions made me think that. So why was I so easily convinced by a girl I knew didn't want us together?

"You're so much more than a bulimic girl," Jace pressed his hands to my face, forcing my eyes to look at him. They looked right through him though, lost in thought. His lips snapped me out of it. "You are more than that. You're an artist. You're beautiful. You're strong. You're a crazy redhead." I snorted with laughter at that. "You're the only girl who's clawed her damn way into my heart. Red, if I had to describe you, the word bulimic wouldn't even cross my mind."

He thought so highly of me. I closed my eyes tightly and reopened them, seeing directly into his shimmering gold. They were wide open, not hidden behind sarcasm for once. I welcomed them with a huge smile. "I'm in your heart, huh?"

His face fell. Jace quickly recovered with a smirk. "Don't pretend I'm not in yours."

I giggled and wrapped my arms around his body. His hug was so tight I could hardly breathe, and it was exactly what I needed. Jace wanted me right here against him. "You okay?" He cared about how I was feeling, not how I was looking. I nodded against his solid-paned chest.

"You are in mine," I whispered in response. The relieved sigh felt nice. He pressed his lips to my forehead. He was smack dab in the middle of my heart, mind, and soul.

. . .

My mom was home, so Jon and I were ordered to stay there. On the car ride home from the Lightwood's house, we made a pact. "If you help me sneak in Iz, I'll help you sneak in Jace." The offer came out of nowhere. I pretended to be surprised. He snorted. "Jace hasn't even glanced at a girl since you arrived. He's not going to hurt you."

I took the information more or less well, as in I didn't burst out squealing. My heart rate increased and I forced the blush to leave me. "I'll update Mom on my eating habits while you sneak them in through the front door. Let Jace hide in your room until I get him."

Jon nodded. "If she comes in my room, I'll hide them in the closet."

"Sounds good. I'll text Jace and tell him to take his motorcycle. She doesn't know he has one."

That was our plan. After we came in, Mom asked us how it was. I managed to pull her into my room for a girl talk that she'd been craving since she got home. I flounced on the bed and she sat beside me.

"So. Any boys?" She asked what would normally be deemed an unsafe question in most girls' eyes, but for me it was a safer one. I smiled.

"Actually, yeah," I grinned. "Jace and I are kind of together."

"Kind of?" She raised an eyebrow. I knew I talked poorly about my mother to Jace, but she was still my mom. Though she was hardly home, I did like her. She was so beautiful and kind. She just had an art-touring job that took her all around the east coast.

"Well, we've hung out for a while now. He's really good about the bulimia stuff," I explained. It felt good to tell her this stuff that I'd normally tell a friend. I'd talk to Isabelle about him, but she was his sister. It was odd. We had a line that we tried not to cross, even though Iz normally crossed it.

"Oh. So you told him?" She asked, tucking a red curl behind my ear.

"He knew since I came home. Jonathan told the whole band so they could watch me," I rolled my eyes. My mom's face sagged at this.

"I'm sorry, Clarissa. I should have been there to watch you," she confessed. I shook my head and rested my head on her leg, looking up into her green eyes. Sometimes, they resembled mine.

"I hated it. I felt like a kid. I still do most of the time," I muttered. "Jace makes me feel normal and special, just not...abnormal."

She smiled warmly and squeezed my hand. "I'm glad. You look so healthy, too. You've been eating every meal and keeping it down like they taught you?"

I nodded. "I'm doing good, Mom."

She sighed contentedly. "You really are beautiful, sweetie." She began to get up.

I hadn't gotten the okay text. With wild panic, I asked, "Mom?"

"Yes?" She settled back down. I stalled for as long as was socially acceptable. Dammit. No text.

"Um, when did you, uh, lose your virginity?" Why, why, why. Why did I ask that? Surprise, surprise, I got the text right after the room fell silent. Fuck. Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Never mind. I'm tired."

"No. It's good we talk about this," she sounded quite shaken up though. I wanted to swallow the vomit that had risen up inside me. "Uh, well I was a year younger than you. Your father and I had been dating for a a year, and I we were completely comfortable with each other." She paused, and I knew exactly what was coming. "Are you asking because of you and Jace?"

I cursed myself. "No!" I lied. She saw through it. "Yes. I don't know. It's too soon."

Her eyes softened and she stood. Her hand patted my leg. "When he's the one, you'll know. Time doesn't always mean everything."

My jaw fell. "Are you telling me to sleep with him?"

"No!" She grew flustered and laughed, pushing her hair out of her face. "Be comfortable with your body, first. And then it's up to when you're ready. Make sure he's special because you'll always remember your first time. But Jace? I trust Jace."

Heat was searing into my cheeks. I gulped and nodded. "Thanks, Mom." She bent down and kissed my forehead. I waited until I heard her walk down the stairs into her room. Then I snuck out of my room and into Jonathan's.

Jon and Iz were sprayed across the bed, and Jace stood with his back to them and his eyes staring out the window. When I opened the door, he turned around with a pain laced across his eyes. "If I have to hear Jon talk all mushy gushy to Isabelle one more time, I'm going to slit my throat." His eyes told me he was not exactly joking.

I laughed and grabbed his arm. "Mom's asleep." I said. Jonathan thanked me as I shut his door. Sparks shot through my stomach in anticipation. When Jace closed my bedroom door, he locked it. I turned around with a giggle. "Soo..."

Jace had a look of hunger on his face. His eyes looked up and down my body shamelessly. He licked his lips seconds before attacking me with them. His hands reached behind my back and grabbed my ass. I jumped, wrapping my legs around his waist. He slammed my back against the wall, but I didn't feel a thing. This kiss was different. It was faster, messier, harder.

His tongue roamed along mine, dipping inside my mouth momentarily. I tasted a breath of fresh mint mixed with his cologne. He made my head swim. I felt my dress groaning against my position and dropped to my feet. "This was an expensive dress. It's going to rip."

Jace smirked. "If that's your way of telling me to take it off, you got it babe," he breathed into my neck. I grinned and nodded, turning around. His fingers ran down my spine, causing chill bumps to form along my legs. His fingers slipped the straps off my shoulders, and his lips replaced where they once touched. My eyes slid shut as the dress fell to the ground. His hands spun me around. I came face to face with his golden orbs.

He took his time looking me over. Then, he took my hand and stepped closer. His fingers guided mine directly over the tent in his pants. "See what you do to me, Red?"

My heart was beating a mile a minute as a prideful smile formed on my lips. I slowly pushed him backwards to sit on the bed. His eyes raked over my barren chest as I leaned over, undoing the buttons on his gold vest that didn't even touch his eyes. It took some time getting all of his many clothes off, but Jace didn't seem to mind. Every once in a while, his hands would come and inch near my boobs that were just dangling before him, but I smacked them away each time. And each time he'd laugh and grin.

Finally, we were both down to underwear. Only then did I straddle his lap and allow him to touch me.

His lips kissed mine in earnest for a few seconds, tongue fighting mine. A hand snaked up and grasped my boob while the other grabbed my butt. He peppered my neck with open-mouthed kisses. When he hit the base of my neck, I couldn't hold back a moan. At this, his hands tightened around me and he started sucking and nipping my skin. My head felt like it was flying high above the clouds. My sanity was slipping, but then I remembered something.

I jumped away and gasped. Jace looked like a baby searching for candy only to have it taken from him seconds after he got it. He let out a whine. "I'll be right back!" I giggled and ran to my closet.

"Is everything okay?" Jace asked as I ran with an article of clothing to he bathroom. "We can stop if you want."

"Just give me a second!" I called and shut the door. I slid my underwear off and stared at the intimidating pink lingerie. Jace had gotten me this as a birthday present. I couldn't tell if it was a joke or not. It was the same one I tried on with him at the mall. I must have watched that video a thousand times over since he slowed it down to match the music. Every time I watched it, confidence surged within me. Now, I hoped it would have the same effect on me.

When I pulled it on and looked in the mirror, a smile encased my lips. I filled it out perfectly and felt like a goddess again, which was good considering I was about to sleep with the 'sex god' of the school.

When I excited, Jace's eyes licked my body clean again. A crooked grin encased his lips. "Fuck me," he groaned and adjusted his boxers. I giggled and blushed, plopping myself right on his lap.

"Say that again." I said.

His hands slid all over my body, and I could feel the heat of them even through my outfit. He leaned forward into my ear and said in the roughest, manliest voice that made me want to moan again, "Fuck. Me."

I winked and pressed my hot lips against his. "With pleasure."

After that night, I still had nights, even days, when I couldn't stand looking at my body. But more often than not, I loved my body. Even after I ate and my stomach bloated so much I looked pregnant. Even as I sat down and my thighs doubled their size. Even when my hair was a wreck and my face broke out in acne. It was my body. It went through so much, even before I starved myself. I was proud that it still stood strong and supported me. Because it wasn't my body that mattered. It was my thoughts and personality and the way I carried myself through struggles.

It was my heart and soul.

* * *

 **If anyone ever needs somebody to talk to, don't be afraid to PM me. I get lonely. I get depressed. I hate myself at times. I do about all of that. But sometimes it just helps if I write it out. Friends can help you through this. Just know that whatever your body looks like, I won't judge you on that. Just know that somebody out there is smart enough to know that it doesn't mean shit. Your body is just an outside barrier to protect the organs that keep you living.**

 **I've dated a few guys before, not too many, but still. And they loved to flatter me with compliments about my body. And while I dated them, I was more or less happy. But the moment they left, it took only a few days for me to go back to feeling disappointed in my body. It hurt more when they dated somebody skinnier or prettier than me. I'm telling you this because no matter what you think, you _can't_ rely on boys to show you your true beauty. I'm more attracted to a guy with a mind that I can connect with. If he's cute, that's awesome. If he's ugly, who cares? **

**Think about this. Attraction isn't everything. Why does it matter if you are sexy or hot? When it's late at night after you've had sex and you're trying to hard to keep a conversation going with a guy, maybe then you'll see that our bodies mean far less than our minds.**

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I hope you like the story(s). Don't be afraid to contact me about anything. Also, if anyone wants a short story written based on one of your ideas, I'd be happy to try and write it. I can do a few other fandoms as well. Just PM or review!


	3. Chapter 3

Hi guys! Sorry this isn't a continuation, but I feel like it's worth the read.

Since I wrote this story, I've taken some steps. I've started doing minor workouts every day and going on runs at least three or four times a week. I've felt better about my body. I wouldn't classify me as having an eating disorder, but maybe you would. I am decently sure I eat less than what I should, though you couldn't see it in my body. I try my hardest to skip meals. I eat healthy, yes, but I also just don't eat. Luckily for me, I don't have the willpower to stop eating any more than I have. Willpower makes it sound heroic, though, and it is not. It's dangerous.

I'm going to be blunt to you strangers who enjoy my writing and possibly are a little self-conscious, too.

I was a virgin up until recently. This year, I slowly started doing things with guys. It made me feel good about my body…for the day. Then came the time that I had sex. It was good, and I felt good about myself for a little bit. I didn't feel worse, I know that. I met the guy over summer vacation and we didn't want to do the long-distance relationship (tear). Eventually, I became friends with benefits with a friend at home. We only did stuff once, but it kind of made me realize something.

Ladies and gentlemen: our bodies are not that important!

Look, I'm not overweight, but I'm not tan skinny or have boobs or a butt (literally I am so flat). I have a little pouch for a stomach. I'm 5'6" and weigh 140. I've got an average face. Even with A cup boobs and a tiny little butt and a flabby stomach and jiggly thighs and flat hair and huge nose, he gets a boner. Every guy I've kissed has gotten a boner. More than that, he's excited. He's excited about whatever my body holds. So those instagram models you see with tan skin and a barbie doll waist and full boobs and butt, or those fit workout teachers who have toned everything? They'll give them just as much of a boner as you will with your gut or your flabby arms or whatever the hell is the problem.

All in all, if you're going for sex, you have a vagina. Or men, you have a penis (most girls don't give a shit about size. Too big ones hurt some people, remember that)! You have fingers and you have a tongue. You have all the right parts. It doesn't matter if they're different. Different is good, unique.

Sex means so little. Your body is great, embrace it, love it, but remember that without your personality, you aren't you.

If you think I sound like I know my shit, trust me, I don't. I'm literally so clueless. But this is something that I've figured out. I'm still working out, but I'm not too concerned if I cave and have a load of ice cream or chocolate. I know the right guy won't care if I've got a little belly. It shouldn't be about your body.

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But I'm done with all of that sappy goodness. I've got more Clace short stories out and a long one in the works. Check it out. I still like this the best, but you can decide. Also, if anyone wants to talk to me about what I just said or about themselves, I am always open. I have no life so hearing about yours is actually nice.

Feel beautiful!


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